Domestic and intimate partner violence is a serious issue, affecting more than 25 percent of women and 15 percent of men at least once in their lives. While victims may be subjected to emotional, verbal, and physical abuse, they may stay with the abusive partner for months, years, or longer. Data suggests that domestic abuse survivors attempt to leave their partners at least seven times before exiting successfully.
There are many reasons why it is difficult for victims to leave their abusers. Here are seven of the most common.
1. Finances
Nearly all instances of domestic abuse include an element of financial abuse. This means that the abuser restricts the victim’s ability to earn or have access to money. In fact, 8 out of 10 victims have lost a job due to the behavior of their abuser. This greatly impedes their independence.
Without access to financial resources, victims cannot start a new life away from their abusers. Nearly 40 percent of victims who leave their abusers face the chance of homelessness. If victims have children or other dependents, they may worry about their ability to provide for those individuals without the abuser’s monetary contribution. This very realistic, logical fear can keep victims trapped in dangerous relationships for years.
2. Religious/Cultural Norms
In many religions and communities, divorce or separation is not acceptable. Family, friends, and other members of the community may not support the victim’s attempts to leave. They may even shame the victim for wanting to end the relationship. Unfortunately, domestic violence is also normalized in many cultures. Victims may feel at fault for their partner or loved one’s abuse. In other situations, domestic violence is perceived as a private affair. Community members may shun victims for speaking out rather than holding perpetrators responsible.
3. Isolation
Abusers commonly do everything possible to weaken the ties between victims and their family and friends. Not only does this make victims more vulnerable, but it also disrupts their ability to leave their abusers. This is intentional. Without a support system, the victim may need to rely on nonprofits and other organized resources to facilitate their escape. If the victim cannot identify these resources, it becomes that much more difficult to leave.
Unfortunately, there are also not enough organized resources available—public, nonprofit, or otherwise—to support all victims. By some estimates, the gap between the need for and the availability of safe housing is as much as 50 percent. This means half of all people who seek help from formal external resources will not be able to access it.
4. Marginalized Status
Rates of domestic violence are much higher among individuals with one or more marginalized statuses. Falling into a marginalized category often exacerbates the other barriers that make leaving an abuser difficult. People with disabilities, those who face language barriers, and those without legal documentation generally have more difficulty obtaining financial independence.
These factors can also make it more difficult to access resources and help. Marginalized status also increases the risk of isolation and a smaller support system. Individuals who have criminal records, those with substance use disorder, or those who are undocumented may also fear the repercussions of going to the police or getting help from nonprofit organizations. Past negative experiences with law enforcement or the court system can also prevent victims from seeking help.
5. Fear of Retaliation
Victims of domestic abuse are at high risk of being severely injured or even killed by their abusers. This danger rises exponentially when the victim attempts to leave. Victims may stay out of fear of their abuser’s retaliation. If there is a cultural or religious norm against divorce or separation, the victim may also face reprisal from their communities. Victims with legal complications, such as undocumented status, may worry that their abuser will retaliate by reporting them to law enforcement.
6. Emotional Reasons
Abuse rarely occurs in the earliest stages of the relationship. This is because abusers hide their controlling and cruel tendencies until their victims are dependent on them. In fact, abusers may use manipulative tactics such as “love bombing” to gain the victim’s trust and accelerate intimacy. For this reason, many victims have strong attachments to their abusers. They may believe that the abuser will change, or they may blame themselves for the abuser’s violent or manipulative behaviors.
Some victims may have experienced violence in childhood or from previous partners. As a result, they may include abuse in their personalized schema of intimacy and love. Sometimes the way the victim views themselves can prevent them from leaving their abuser. They may have low self-esteem and feel that they don’t deserve better. Alternatively, victims may not even realize what they are experiencing is abuse.
7. Custody Issues
Children greatly complicate the situation for domestic violence victims. Abusers may threaten to harm the children or prevent the victim from having custody if they leave the relationship. The fear of losing custody is logical and valid, especially if victims do not have the financial means to care for the children on their own. Individuals with previous legal or substance abuse issues may worry about losing custody, despite experiencing abuse.